When was the last time you were genuinely listened to? Listened without interruption, without divided attention? Listened without being judged, advised or probed? Listened as if the listener is there for you, interested in genuinely understanding the meaning you are trying to convey? And secondly, when was the last time you genuinely listenend to the others?
Did you say never? Welcome, then, to the fine, but forgotten part of communication: genuine listening, also called active or empathic listening.
‘Communication’, says Stephen Covey of the 7 Habits fame, ‘is without doubt, the most important skill in life.’ Communication involves reading, writing, speaking and listening essentially. All of us get trained in the first three skills of communication. But what about the fourth? Have you ever undergone any training on listening? If you enroll for a course on communication, they would mostly satisfy themselves with how to help you learn public speaking and social conversation. They almost seem to assume that every one knows enough about how to listen. And that is a huge misperception. Most people listen only when they are exhausted of things to say, and many not even then. Most people alternate their speaking not with listening but with preparing to speak. Most of our conversation is not an exchange of meaning but a collective monologue. When the other person is speaking, instead of genuinely listening to what he has to say, most of us are preparing what we have to say next, as if to floor him with our words. But the other person never gets floored, because he, like you, is also thinking about his reply while you are going off.
Yet when you look around yourself, you would find the people you like most and who are liked most, are not the best speakers. They are-- they can only be-- the best listeners, the people who think you are important enough to deserve their time and attention. Indeed, listening goes beyond just being another part of communication: it actually is a veritable way in which we manifest our humanity. You can hardly be a good listener unless you are genuinely interested in other people and their welfare. Self-centered people would be self-centered listeners, which means not being listeners at all. Such people are not listeners; they are tolerators of other people’s spoken words regarding them as a necessary cost of speaking their own hallowed words. Indeed, self-centered listening is an oxymoron.
Now, before this piece becomes just another one in academic enquiry on the virtues of the neglected art of listening, let us focus upon how you could actually become a good listener:
i) Pause—When the other person is speaking, try to to concentrate on the logic and emotion of what is being said. Don’t rush in to speak the moment he has stopped: maybe he has just paused for breath or is organising his thoughts. If you do this, you also are able to understand better and organise your own thoughts while giving the other person the sense of fulfillment that you indeed were listening to him. Brian Tracy, the famed American trainer, says that a 3-5 seconds pause is a very classy thing to do in a conversation.
ii) Paraphrase—For serious and/or emotional communication, try to repeat the content and the feeling of the speaker’s words in your own language. When you do this, it helps the speaker to clarify if there is a misunderstanding and ensures that you get what he is trying to communicate. When you do this, the other speaker feels more and more at ease with you and opens up before you, like an onion opens up to you, in layers. But please remember that it is the feeling that is the most important and most misunderstood part in human communication, so be very sensitive and respectful of the feelings the other person may be trying to express, often indirectly.
iii) Don’t advise, judge or probe— We often get lured into the trap of advising the moment someone talks about a problem. Or we try to judge him or cross question him as if to expose the loopholes in his story. All these are big no-no’s for genuine listeners. Please remember that you have to suspend your judgment and withhold your tendency to advise and not sniff for scandal. These are turn-offs for the speaker and he would then think twice about sharing anything important to him if you indulge in these habitual mistakes of the people who listen to the others only to look for loopholes. You may, however, raise questions if you have not clearly understood parts of the message.
Example: Just observe the following interaction between an irate wife and her genuinely listening husband:
Wife—I am sick and tired of you!
Husband (seriously)—You really seem angry with me. (Note how the husband is simply reflecting the feeling of his wife instead of saying something of his own, denying it, judging it or cross-questioning her. Remember that you can never argue with a person who is in the grip of strong emotions.)
Wife—What else can I be? You will never have enough of your matches and I would never have enough of my chores I suppose.
Husband—I know you are not happy about my matches. (asking question for understanding) Have I been neglectful at home?
Wife—If you only had the sense! Couldn’t you even smell the burnt coffee? It was so nauseating. Even the neighbors told me. But for you a match on TV is transcendental meditation. Why bother about such earthly details!
Husband—Oh the coffee, yes! I could sense something was wrong but never thought it was in our own kitchen! Sure you are disappointed but I tell you I was in the yard playing with our three year-old and not before the TV.
Wife—(realising her mistake) What!
Please note that if the husband, like most husbands, instead of listening empathetically, indulges in counter arguments, the misunderstanding could never have got cleared. In this case though, because the husband is coolly following the principles elaborated here, the wife has gradually opened out the real issue (coffee getting burnt). The wife has opened up, like layers in an onion, and the core bubbled to the surface and got tackled. This is what happens typically: the core of what a person wants to say comes out only when the other person shows the receptiveness to listen. If the other person is a bad listener though, the seeds of communication would fall on dry ground and never take root.
You listen to others to understand them, not to question them or their motives. Listening is your window to the world: when you listen to others, your knowledge of the people around increases. When you talk though, it is the others who gain, not you. Listening helps you to build bridges with people and increase trust. Every important and enduring human relationship is built on the foundations of trust, which in turn is built upon listening. The best salesmen would be those who listen to their customers. The best wives would be those who instead of nagging, coaxing and cajoling, listen to their husbands. The best students would be the ones who listen to their teachers. The best friends would invariably be those who listen the most.
If you have to enter the ranks of the best in your chosen field, learn to listen! It may be the missing link that might be preventing you from excelling in all aspects of your personal and professional life. And chances that it is so are highest if you never thought it is so! Did you?
PS: The true listener is as rare as diamond, and just as valued. However, it is not to underemphasize the other aspects of communication esp public speaking which is important because it is a leveraged form of communication that allows you to multiply the impact of your communication many folds. We would soon cover the issue of how to be an effective public speaker.
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